


a death grip on this life that's in transition

by mysilenceknot



Series: All We Are? [1]
Category: Glee
Genre: AnderBros, Asexual Character, Asexuality, Coming Out, Gen, past Blaine/Sebastian
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-07
Updated: 2014-08-07
Packaged: 2018-02-12 04:11:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2095236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mysilenceknot/pseuds/mysilenceknot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Whoever said coming out was easier the more you did it was a liar.</p>
            </blockquote>





	a death grip on this life that's in transition

**Author's Note:**

> Written for 2013's [Asexual Awareness Week](http://asexualawarenessweek.com/asexuality-101/). Title comes from the Relient K song [Therapy](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dnFEqYaTnr8). Blaine's 19 in this story.

Whoever said coming out was easier the more you did it was a liar.

Blaine had had plenty of experience of coming out and as he’d gotten older it only became easier to admit to people he had no emotional value in. Telling the girl who hit on him in the dining hall he was gay? Easy. Letting his roommate know when he’d first moved in that he had a boyfriend? Fine. Telling his great-aunt whom he saw maybe once every five years that what she’d heard about her grand-nephew was true?  _Terrifying._

When he’d come out to Cooper eight years ago, it had only been slightly comforting to know that his brother had gay friends in the industry. It was one thing to have a friend who was gay – a younger brother could be a whole different story.

And yet, Cooper had responded well. There were no dramatics whatsoever, just a simple conversation in Cooper’s bedroom after Thanksgiving dinner. Blaine’s world wasn’t destroyed in that night and no matter how irritated he was with his brother, Blaine could always think back to the hug and reassurance of love that he’d been gifted and know there was someone who cared for him.

Deciding to come out again wasn’t a decision he made lightly. Letting the people who had helped him begrudgingly get to a point of self-acceptance that he did identify as asexual was very different from telling the rest of the world. Plus, unlike the rest of the word, the members of Ace of Spades were pretty much guaranteed to be affirming and accepting of how he chose to identify. The ignorant comments he still got about being gay, despite much wider spread awareness, made Blaine wary of how people would react.

Blaine was also hyper aware that he had no obligation to come out to anyone he wasn’t going to be in a relationship. And therefore, his true sexuality would only be disclosed if absolutely necessary. He wasn’t quite sure what situations would require screaming “I don’t experience sexual attraction!” and he was pretty okay with that.

There were a couple of people he felt the need to talk to, though. He’d already come out to three close friends and all of the conversations had gone remarkably well. And as his relationship with Cooper was once again solid, he figured talking about it would be okay.

—

The best part about being in New York with Cooper was how little wait staff cared about his celebrity status. Considering the number of Hollywood children at NYU and the sheer variety of shows that filmed in NYC, excitement over a man best known for his commercials simply wasn’t going to happen. Blaine had listened to Cooper rave about the perks of anonymousity, but they both knew that a slightly bruised ego hid behind the bravado.

They’d chosen a lively restaurant off campus that specialized in Italian food and awesome specials to entice broke college students.  Blaine waited until they’d gotten their entrees before moving the conversation away from the show Cooper was working on and his own school work.

“So you know how Sebastian and I broke up?”

“Because you didn’t want to stay with a cheating scumbag? Yeah, I know about that.”

“Well,” Blaine began, “I’m the reason he cheated on me.”

“No, Blaine, I’ve already told you. You are not responsible for your boyfriend’s infidelity. He made the decision to cheat and it has nothing to do with you.”

“But it has  _everything_  to do with me.” He paused, ignoring the jittery nerves in his stomach. “Sebastian cheated on me because I wouldn’t have sex with him.”

“That’s a shitty reason to cheat on someone and if he’d respected you—”

“I was never going to have sex with him. Ever. Because I’m asexual.”

A pause. “You’re what?”

“Asexual. I. I don’t experience sexual attraction. To anyone.”

Cooper put his fork down and stared with confusion at his brother. “I don’t get it.”

“Well, uh.” Blaine struggled with his words. It’d been so much easier in his head. “You know how there are people you don’t want to have sex with?”

“…I guess.”

“That’s how I feel about everyone.”

Silence. Blaine watched his brother return to his food and so he followed Cooper’s lead, even though the anxiety he’d been carrying over this conversation had killed any appetite he’d previously had.

“Then what’s the point in being gay?” Cooper spoke after an extended period. “You came out as gay and you dated guys and now what, you’re done?”

“This isn’t me quitting on men,” Blaine hissed, looking up from the food he’d been pretending to eat. “I like men. I want to marry one someday. I just… don’t want to have  _sex_ with them.”

“Are you one hundred percent sure about this?”

“Do you think I’d try having this agonizing conversation with you if I thought I was going to change my mind three weeks from now?” His voice rose in pitch. “Yes, I’m sure. No, having sex won’t fix it. I tried, okay? Sebastian and I tried and I freaked and it’s because the idea repulses me. I don’t want that. Ever.”

“I know it’s weird and I’m so sorry, but I wanted you to know, Coop.” Blaine was shaking by this point, clenching tightly to his fork as he attempted to reign in his tears. This was what he’d been afraid of and if this is what coming out was going to be like, he was never going to do it again. Forget life or death situations, anything would be better than the way Cooper was looking at him.

Silence again.

“I still don’t get it, Blaine. And I don’t know if I’ll ever completely be able to get it.” Wow, this was getting worse and worse. “But,” Cooper continued, reaching out to grab his brother’s hand, “if you’re sure about this then I’ll support you in whatever you need. And I’ll try to understand exactly what this all means.”

Blaine looked up, eyes red. “There’s a website that helped me a lot that I can link you to…”

“That’d be good. And even if you’re never planning on having sex with anyone…that doesn’t mean Sebastian was right to cheat on you, okay?”

“Yeah,” he lied. “You’re right.”

—

“i still <3 u a lot!!!!!” the text read. Blaine was back in his apartment, too distracted to get school work done. He’d just emailed Cooper some information and knew that it’d be awhile before his brother actually got back to him. He rolled his eyes.

“If you didn’t you’d be a bigot along with being an asshole.”

He didn’t know if he’d be able to go through this emotional process again. Even though lunch had ended on a tentatively positive note, he still felt worried about whether Cooper would try to convince him that he was wrong in the future. There was no way to know for sure, and while now he felt good about not having anything to hide with his brother, the feelings swirling within him were far from peace.

His phone buzzed again. “:(((( not an asshole“

Blaine smiled as he responded, knowing that even if things were going to be weird for a while, at least there was a glimmer of hope of them getting better.

“(: yes you are.”


End file.
